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Play at a table with a bunch of really hot people.
Home games differ from tournament and online play in one extremely significant way – someone has to bring the beer. You don’t want to be that person. To avoid it, try being underage. If you can’t accomplish that, at least make sure you never get a driver’s license or passport or any other proof you’re of age.
Poker pros are great at poker. And if you ever do find yourself playing one, you’re probably going to lose your shirt. So, do everything you can to avoid them. If you do find yourself at a tournament looking across the table at some wily pro, pretend you ate some bad egg-salad and excuse yourself to the restroom. Then stay there until the tournament finishes.
Questions: Do you tend to see almost every flop? Do you call way more often than raise? Do people yell at you for calling all their raises, then hitting a runner-runner straight? If you answered yes to these questions, you are a calling station. Congratulations on sucking at poker.
A lot of poker players overvalue their top card and don’t pay enough attention to their kicker. If you have an ace, and your opponent also has an ace, the best way to win is to have a bigger kicker. Easy enough, right? Not so fast, buckaroo. You still need to know how big the other guy's kicker is. To figure this out, watch for the telltale sign of someone who gets excited when they see their first hole card, and then sighs or says “f**k!” when they see the second. Now, if you KNOW they have an ace, the final part to this strategy is to ask them directly: “What’s your kicker, dude?” I know, it’s genius…
If you play poker regularly, you’ve probably run across a few table bullies. They play very aggressively and use lots of raises to push around the other players at the table. There’s really only one good strategy to use when you’re at a table with a player like this – pull out your patented Bodog Card Sharpener (not available in stores), and turn your pocket cards into throwing stars. Ninjas rarely get picked on.
Very carefully.
Bluffing can be a great weapon to add to your bag of poker tricks. Here’s how it usually works. You get dealt something crappy like 8-4 offsuit, but because you’re on tilt, you decide to push all-in before the flop. Then you get called by some guy with A-Ks. When everyone at the table laughs at you for making such a bonehead play, you say: “I was bluffing.”
With poker being so hot right now, Hollywood has jumped aboard the bandwagon and put out a bunch of movies about the game. But they should make one about a future where poker is illegal on Earth, and so everybody goes into space to play. And then they’re attacked by interstellar pirates. Jake Gyllenhaal would be great in this.
This is the best hand in poker. This is the one you’ve been waiting for. When you look down at the table and see that beautiful hand, you should strongly consider thinking how awesome you are. Then fold, because you don’t want to cheapen it by making everything about money.
It has been scientifically proven that most people like sexy, attractive strangers. If you’re sexy and attractive, try to wear something provocative at the poker table. If you’re playing online, create a hot image of yourself by using the chat window to send messages such as: “I’m naked and hot” or “My name is Paris Hilton and I’d be happy to send you a photo of me making out with Good Charlotte”.
We all experience those horrendous suckouts from time to time. But receiving a bad beat can cost you a lot of chips. So try to avoid them. The best way to do this is to fold whenever you have a really strong hand.
You should leave a cash game when you’re totally out of money, unless you’ve got parents that’ll lend you some.
While a quick nap at the table may benefit your stamina for those long-haul tournaments, waking up drooling on yourself with a huge erection is a fairly substantial tell.
Over the years, the JJ starting hand has got more players into more trouble than any other. It’s particularly dangerous as it seems like a very strong hand, but is actually easy to crack. Learning exactly how you should play JJ can make a huge difference to your game. So go ahead and do that.
Having trouble with your poker stare? Try coupling your best frown with the phrase “what the fuck are you looking at, captain?” Not only will it scare people into going on tilt, but you’ll throw them way off just by using the word “captain”.
Playing poker for cash is way more fun if the money you’re gambling with isn’t the same money you desperately need for things like, say, betting on football. So before jumping onto the tables, increase your bankroll. But how should you do that? It’s easy, and fun, to make huge $$$ right from your own home. To learn more, just send $15 and a self-addressed-stamped-envelope to P.O. Box 458, Pyramid Scheme Falls, CA.
While it might provide a few good stories, like how you took some guy for all his money and the shirt off his back, playing poker against the homeless is mean. Even more importantly, it’s not a good use of your time since all you’ll have to show for it is a bunch of quarters and a bracelet made of cigarette butts.
Intimidation is a big part of poker. Consider choosing a terrifying screen-alias such as: “HungryGreatWhiteShark”, “FireDeathStormHammer” or “GenitalWarts”.
Open 6 games at one time and see how many people you can piss off by going all in on EVERY hand. Trust me, it’s awesome. Oh, one caveat: please do this on *insert competitor name here*.
Before you call or raise, always be sure the chip you’re holding is a POKER chip. Some questions to ask yourself to help make this determination: If you taste it, do you get a distinct BBQ flavor? Is it something you might bake into cookies? If you live in Scotland, is it battered, and served straight out of the deep-fryer?
If you are holding the worst hand in Hold’em and there is anyone else in the hand, you should probably fold. Unless you’re Chuck Norris. If that happens to be the case, consider choking your opponents by cramming low value chips down their throats then kicking the crap out of anyone who dares raise.
Correctly deducing what cards your opponents are holding is a key skill in poker. To help with this, try inventing x-ray glasses. Though if you pull that off, you'll probably spend all your time at the beach.
Some players experiment with anabolic steroids and human growth hormone in an effort to improve their poker game. YOU GOT A GOD-DAMN PROBLEM WITH THAT?!?
Most experts say the best way to win consistently at poker is by playing tight-aggressive. As a result, many players are adjusting their game to follow that strategy. Most experts also say that being predictable is very dangerous in poker. But if everyone else at the table knows you’re going to play tight-aggressive, isn’t that inherently predictable? So, experts, which is it?!
If you ever find yourself in North Korea playing Hold ‘Em against Kim Jong-il, you’re on your own man.
Any number greater than 6. Otherwise they're all short-handed and can't reach high enough.
Some people think that being a vegan gives you an advantage at the poker table. These people are fucking idiots.
If you have the nuts, never, ever fold. Because there’s nothing more satisfying in the game of poker than waiting for the showdown and laying your nuts out on the table. Accidentally folding the best hand and THEN showing your nuts would generally be considered bad etiquette.
Sex has been scientifically proven to reduce stress and increase focus and concentration. Whenever possible, try to have sex in the middle of your poker games. Note: this strategy can be easier to pull off while playing online.
With so many big tournaments on TV these days, there’s a huge opportunity for the player willing to do their homework. If you wind up at the final table in a televised tournament, try very hard to watch the telecast before you actually play it. This will give you great insight into the hands your opponents have, and you’ll also be able to see what you’re doing wrong and correct it before it gets you into trouble. Note: This can be a tricky one, but we’re pretty sure it’ll work as long as you cross the international dateline or something.
Try to be a brilliant but misunderstood mathematician. Being brilliant will improve your game by helping you determine things like pot odds, and being misunderstood will give you the freedom to dress like a slob and live in a van down by the river.
If you ever get KJ offsuit in a big tournament, never, ever go all-in. Because if you win a big pot with that hand, you’ll be stuck with a new nickname forever. And you don’t want to be called Jack-King off, do you?
Remember, you will rarely, if ever, win a hand in which you folded.
You may or may not believe in some kind of God. But he does exist and he loves A9c. So if you ever get that hand, slowplay until the turn then go all-in. Note: This won’t work if you’re playing against Chris Ferguson.
Never, ever play poker against Joe Pesci. He’s not very good but he’s an angry, vengeful little guy.
A good strategy when playing poker is to shake violently ALL THE TIME. This will totally throw people off and eliminate any tells you might otherwise have. You could also try a consistent fist pump every time you check for the same effect.
Skill and owning a sweet visor are both very important aspects of your poker game, but don’t forget that oft-forgotten wildcard: dumb, blind luck. Try to be luckier. Avoid buying lotto tickets or drinking and driving, as these activities can use up your allotment of luck. Bonus hint: The Irish are known for being lucky, so consider adding Irish stew and Guinness to your menu.
Make a point of rubbing chloroform on your chips, so that when someone tries to steal them they’ll fall unconscious and you can simply take them back.
When you have the nuts, tell everyone at the table you have the nuts and flash your cards at them. They should fold pretty quickly.
If you can hit quads on a regular basis, chances are you will be a pretty good poker player.
A good plan of attack when sitting at the table is to win all the hands. If you win every hand, you will most likely win the tournament.
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